I have read many articles and essays that have opinions with stats as to why it is so hard for the black woman to find love. I know what you’re thinking like Erynne were you not around for #weddingszn it was melanin infused. I see these women getting married and engaged and I want to say that I am extremely happy for them but being honest I can't say that I am. I can barely look at a wedding dress let alone see women from high school and college in them. It’s not them it is simply me just not wanting to think about why it hasn’t happened for me yet and if it ever will. I always find myself thinking am I not the type of woman that men marry? Am I too unpredictable in action for a man to feel secure enough to even attempt? I thought all of these crazy thoughts until I met him.This man had truly come from nowhere I like to think that God just has a funny way of doing things like that. The man was perfection regardless of his imperfections in my eyes; he was literally everything I had imagined poured into a tall bottle of honey; I had met the one and I knew it from the second conversation. I will say that he gave me true hope that love was something I deserved from another person and he showed be that it was okay to let my guard down and that I didn’t always have to be strong.
Before him I had some run-ins with men who saw my bones and heart as their playground. I had found him ladies; the one who was going to be the end of the quest and I’d share a life with him and we’d birth a child that even the angels would envy. We had talked for months over the phone as we were long distant lovers but he always felt closer than the miles that separated us. He and I talked on the phone every night talking about the future and expressing things to each other we wouldn’t want to feel vulnerable enough to share with anyone else. Eventually, the chance to see each other had come and he had grown nervous and for some reason I could always tell when something was off with him. I think that comes with caring for someone so deeply that you pick up on those types of things. He was nervous that the idea of us that he and I both had pictured would not live up to the reality of what it would be when we saw each other finally. I like to think that it was more than I had imagined once I saw him and once we finally spent that beautiful week together. I remember him saying “I do love you” as we stood watching the Mayweather vs. Mcgregor fight under the Seattle city lights. I also remember how he looked at me when he said it I saw everything I had to look forward to in his eyes. I returned with saying “I love you too.” If you are like me you aren’t very open to loving anyone let alone showing it. I have had situations in my life that have built a wall so high that even I sometimes would lose track on how to break it down but he had the largest sledgehammer and pounded away at it brick by brick with all the patience in the world.
He was sweet, level-headed, corny as ever but he made me laugh. I remember that week and replay it over and over in my head hoping to never lose the memory of him. I say this to say that soon after he left, he had actually gone. He went home with uncertainty in his heart about whether he and I were actually going to work, we had settled that issue and he was back on the Erynne track; but not for long. Soon after it was actually over and it wasn’t fair I had taken the option of us being together away from the both of us because of a decision I had made in the past that was haunting our future and he ended things. I was completely devastated ladies, I cried at work, at home, at Walmart even. I was standing there picking out eyelashes when he told me that he had made his decision and it wasn’t me. I was so fortunate that day to not be alone; I had my band of bad ass bitties there with me surrounding me with love and for them I am grateful. I literally cried for two whole weeks and practically begged this man to even talk to me. I was extremely baffled when the man I knew was different from the one I was receiving. He was cold, short and I did not feel the “I do love you” I had felt before. I guess I should have known that “I do love you” was a question instead of a statement.
Regardless of his feelings mine were extremely clear I knew that I loved him and that I would say yes if he changed his mind in a heartbeat. I went on feeling sorry and sorry for myself until I hit a really low moment. I decided to handle this situation the same way I handled all situations and that was to drink it out. The next night I went out for a friends birthday and had some drinks it wasn’t a lot but it was enough to text him and to text one of my old hoes things that I would soon regret sending in the morning. Note to friends: (Friends do not let friends text while drunk especially a sad drunk at that.) After not receiving the responses that I had hoped to receive I cried in someone elses car in a beautiful dress, a freshly plucked lace front and my new Fenty lip gloss.I can laugh at myself now but that night I was a complete mess. I decided on the next day that I had to pick myself back up and I had to stop wallowing in sorrow that I honestly did not deserve. The next day I vowed to myself that I would give my three favorite vices a break. 1. Alcohol 2. Men 3.Partying. When I told some people about my plans they were like "well you don’t have to stop going out" and I stopped them because number three always leads to the others. I want to stress that number two is not a sexual thing just in case my father reads this its more of the feeling of needing the attention of men. Hey Dad if you’re reading! I decided that I couldn’t sleep in my bed because I had cried too many tears on my pillow case for way too many nights so I slept on the couch for maybe a week. I know you're thinking that I sound dramatic but quite frankly this was probably the most dramatic situation I had gone through. I figured my back hurting was better than going to sleep every night with a heavy heart and waking up with puffy eyes. I decided that I would also avoid all love songs so the new Daniel Ceaser album was out the window for sure and I would wake up every morning and listen to two songs; I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor and one time for the culture Poppin' by Rico Nasty.
I won't say that it has been an easy process or that I don't catch myself beginning to cry sometimes. Last week while I was having a talk with my Dad he asked "How's my future son in-law doing?" I felt my heart drop into my stomach and the tears instantly developed in my eyes. I think as much as I am trying to get through this that I still have to deal with how the situation left me feeling and that is heartbroken. I will say that each day does get easier and the opportunity to find happiness within myself only is an empowering feeling. So to help the process along some I've had to force myself to un-follow him and actually stay off of his page and it has seemingly pretty easy. I now which it hasn’t been long since the situation can look at his page and smile because of how proud of him I am instead of cry because I can’t tell him. I am writing all of this and being extremely vulnerable because I know that there is another woman or man who has lost someone that they have loved. I need to let him go and I need to regain my strength and power. I read a piece from one of Trista Mateer’s books that said “ I said this book was about letting go but it wasn’t. It was about finding an ending I could stomach. It was throwing new paint on an old wall until I could stand to look at it again. I had to cover up all those spots we marked growth together.” I feel as though what she was saying is that in order for her to grow alone and move on she had to start over. She couldn't stand looking at the old paint on the wall because it symbolized something that would never be again and she had to come to terms with that. This is my painting and I am covering it with the whitest paint I can find. I know that there will be some rough edges and old paint that may be able to see but my start shall be new. This is now the journey of one woman with an entire world waiting for her. I am taking everyday as an opportunity to really find what is for Erynne and I feel like the who is for me will come when it does. So CHEERS! to self-improvement, self-awareness, getting over it, getting through it, the love of amazing friends and being a poppin’ ass bitch. (a shot of water for me though!)